Dear Cougar:
Staring at your pictures, I am drifting in an emotional whirlpool filled with your smells, barking, astute glances, shiny dense coat, eagerness for food, a jumping-up for greetings, crazy tail-wagging, your-own-tail-chasing, being scared away by a dog with only one-quarter size of yours, every moment with you---------. Noises from the busy streets outside the house are far away up to the galaxy. Hours and days have passed. The porcelain jar with your ashes inside is still sitting on the counter quietly. The endless memories of you have been haunting me intensively. Two years and seven months, what a short life you had!
April 7, 2003 is an unforgettable day for the family. Victor hurried back home from Austin the night before when he received my phone call. Early in that morning, I rushed to Michael’s school to take him home. Dad came home right after a brief meeting from work. At 10:30AM, we, your beloved family, gathered around you silently. The air froze for quite a while. Reluctantly, you were up on your feet with our help and dragged yourself toward Dad’s car. If you had not been suffered from severe consecutive seizures for six days, you would have jumped right into the back seat of the car for a wild ride. Watching you strayed from the living room and fell on the ground on the way to the car, we were heart-broken.
(Did you know what the trip was for?)
(Did you realize your fate at that moment?)
I didn’t know if I was courageous enough to carry on the mission and accept the consequence. My legs were trembling, my heart was bleeding, my head was spinning; yet, the journey had to be fulfilled.
At 11:30AM, we arrived at the veterinary clinic. You might have sensed something unusual about to happen. Twitching your body, hiding your head under the seat, struggling, resistant to all the help we offered, you would not step out of the car, that was quite contrary to your gentle, sweet temperament.
(There is no turning back, Cougar!)
(Please understand that it is pointless to do a final battle!)
Dad had to use his full strength to lift up your ninety-pound body and placed you on the ground outside the car. By then, you might have realized the fact that you didn’t have any choice but yielding to your destiny and straying again to the clinic.
My heart had sunk into the deepest bottom of the Pacific Ocean when I signed the execution document. The crucial moment came right after the signing. Dr. J. and his assistant put a muzzle on you and transferred you to a cold hard platform. When they shaved a small bunch of hair off your foreleg, you did not struggle much.
(What were you thinking?)
(Were you enervated by fears?)
(Did you know anything about death?)
(Did you whine about the uncontrollable destiny of yours?)
(Did you fall into the abyss of unknowns?)
Meanwhile, we stood extremely silent in front of you watching the executioners prepared for the action. With my aching stomach, twisting heart and gushing tears, I bit my lips to bleeding in order to stop the urge of calling off the execution.
Dr. J. held up a syringe full of a lethal dose of phenobarbital and said sympathetically: “Once this solution is injected into his body, within 5 seconds, his heart will stop pumping. There is no chance for him to come back to life. It definitely will end his miseries forever.” (Oh God! The point-of-no-return arrives. It strikes me apathetically.) Just as what Dr. J. described, within a couple of seconds, you lay on the platform motionless, without a single sign of life at all.
(Did you ever understand “ there is such a thin line between life and death”?)
Dr. J. and his assistant removed the muzzle from you, took away the execution tools and left four of us in the room to mourn as long as we wished. The room was so secluded that all the sounds were muffled forever. There, eight puffy watery eyes stared at you and four broken hearts suffered with agonies. Your eyes glared at me with fully dilated pupils.
(Where are you now?)
(Are you resting in peace?)
(Do you hate me for depriving your right of living?)
(Have the pains gone completely?)
(Do you know that I am jealous of you? I wish my death would be that easy.)
(Will you forgive me for not being able to show my appreciation to the faithful companionship you gave me during my difficult times ever again?)
Millions of questions were flashing in my mind. I was hoping you could give me the answers, and yet, all I got was the silent reply from your cold, lifeless body.
That was it. That was the end. You had crossed the point-of-no-return!
Cougar, wherever you are, I’ll always share this anonymous elegy with you;
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remembered them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. The bright eyes are intent; the eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to break away from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together-------------------
Yes, we, Dad, Mom, Victor and Michael, are the special “someone” who will cross Rainbow Bridge with you someday.
註：
Cougar是我家的一隻大狗狗的名字。當牠滿月時就被我的二兒子一眼看中，立即從「休士頓寵物收養中心」歡天喜地的帶回家撫養。（是緣份？是命運？）Cougar全身毛聳聳、圓滾滾；活潑、蹦跳，喜愛與人玩耍，善解人意，溫和天性，在短短的數個月內已緊緊抓住每個人的心。兒子的朋友時常集聚一堂與Cougar嬉戲，狗叫聲，小孩的歡笑聲不斷。
Cougar在半歲大時，開始顯出先天性的「癲癇症」不定期的發作。隨著牠的成長，症狀越嚴重，發病次數越頻繁，痙攣時間也越長，來回獸醫院的次數也越多。直到牠兩歲半時，發作時症狀的嚴重性已達到送進加護病房也無法控制。隨即，一個痛苦抉擇需要我去面對：授權給獸醫，將Cougar做「安樂死」的處決。在我決定簽署同意書時的那一刻，我的內心世界，天旋地轉、天崩地裂，生？死？一線之間；而切斷這條細線的劊子手，是照顧牠日常生活，及帶著牠來回「家」和「寵物醫院」之間的人。若切斷了這條細線，全家人心繫在牠身上的感情將寄託何處？兒子們能否承擔失去寵物的後果。
在Cougar火化數個月後，我的心情漸漸恢復平靜，紛亂憂傷的思緒也慢慢整理出一條正常邏輯軌道。因此，含著淚，寫下這篇文章。將此文的影印版和牠的照片，放在骨灰罈的旁邊。如此，盼Cougar在天之靈能了解我結束牠的生命心歷過程，和原諒我做的選擇。在我內心深處，Cougar永遠是我的第三個「犬子」。
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